Now is the Time to Open My Heart

Venice, Italy. 2015

Venice, Italy. 2015

I've mentioned before that I think I've always been a pretty open-minded and introspective person. However, in retrospect, I don't think that's really true. Or perhaps it is true, but I've just begun to gain a deeper understanding of myself and my drawbacks.

I don't think I've been open-hearted enough in the recent past. I can remember being 13 and loving everything and everyone around me. I recall having a crush on probably every single boy in my class in the 8th grade at some point in time. I know those young fantasies were simply infatuations, but I think there was a part of me akin to a newborn's fresh, soft feet. It's with time that I became calloused to my worlds, jumping into unrealistic relationships (of all kinds) with skewed expectations, while concurrently shielding myself from people I who I didn't even give myself a chance to like. It's not that I thought I was either above them or not good enough for them, I just simply couldn't be bothered with the task of putting myself out there, or getting to know new people in a deep way, which btw, is not that difficult in my opinion. If I'm honest, I don't think I was being honest with myself about what I was able to give within a relationship and what I wanted from one. It was just a bunch of non-trial and error for me the past couple years.

With time, I guess I've come to realize both the fragility and the flexibility of the right relationships. Fragile, because a relationship with the right person is like a precious gem - if lost or broken, get ready to be thrown. Flexible because, relationships that truly work involve all parties' emotions, expectations, strengths + weaknesses, etc. When one gives, the other shall receive; when one can't be fully there, the other will be present to complement. It's this malleable nature of relationships that gets me excited about me acknowledging that I haven't been as open as I want to be. I'm excited at the potential of building something untouchable, unbreakable, irreplaceable with new people around me.

Through cynicism I did learn to spot when I just don’t vibe with someone. When we don’t gel. When we try and try and try, but nothing seems to come naturally.

I can't say that all those years I spent jaded and calloused were for naught, though. Through cynicism I did learn to spot when I just don't vibe with someone. When we don't gel. When we try and try and try, but nothing seems to come naturally. Despite the fantabulous human experience we're all sharing, sometimes personalities simply don't click. These types of interactions, although anxiety-inducing, make me respect and cherish the unshakable relationships I have right in front of my eyes.

I'm learning the function of people in my life. I'm learning how to identify my feelings while socializing with other people. I'm learning how to accept and appreciate people as they are, even if they aren't for me.